Queries & Responses for 25 February 2004

Who is the better kisser Mary-Kate or Ashley?
Ashley. Easily. Actually no one with a hyphenated name kisses worth a damn.
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25 February 2004 · potluck
Who is a Jew?
I don’t think I like your tone and I don’t have to answer that.
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25 February 2004 · race relations
Why do you Americans always stay where you're not wanted?
Answer #1: Oh, tut-‌tut. We only stay until it would be painful for us to go. Then we go. No, Somalia, we won’t be coming back.
Answer #2: Why do you émigrés and foreign students trash one of the only places that will take you in and treat you with respect regardless of how backward, filthy, and misogynistic your home country is?
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25 February 2004 · America the beautiful
Why do people wish?
Because they are or believe themselves powerless and don’t know any better.
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25 February 2004 · advice & self-help
Why does swimming pool hose attract leaves?
Nuclear forces, my man, nuclear forces.
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25 February 2004 · science & nature
Why does my urine smell like fruit?
Seriously? Um, if you’re overweight, and the odor is consistent, it sounds like type 2 diabetes (I’m not a doctor but I did score 100% on an online autopsy diagnosis test for medical students). See your real doctor. Might ask to see his or her license too. You never know.
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25 February 2004 · health & medicine
Why do I like Ayn Rand?
Those gams!
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25 February 2004 · Ayn Rand
The page found by the original query:
majenta || the letters to Ayn Rand & the r…
Who would be stupid enough to vote for Bush?
Anyone not stupid enough to vote for one of the other sacks of used cat litter put up every 4 years.
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25 February 2004 · politics
Who was the monkey fucker?
I think we should let bygones be bygones.
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25 February 2004 · potluck
Who was the Devil's father?
A country doctor born in a mountain convent.
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25 February 2004 · Bible study
Boyfriend who stalks.
I’m sorry—is that a question or were you trying to get back in touch with me.
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25 February 2004 · relationships
Why KKK wears hoods?
Are you serious? Because they are cowards.
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25 February 2004 · white guys
Why is a beer better than a black man?
It’s not, you racist retard. Unless the beer is the difficult to obtain San Miguel Dark and the black man is the all too easily found Louis Farrakhan, then the reasons become obvious.
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25 February 2004 · race relations
Man who has 200 IQ.
Not me, alas. But thank you for reminding me.
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25 February 2004 · genius
Who gave chlamydia to me?
If you have to ask, you’re fucking too many people.
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25 February 2004 · sex counselor
Who will watch the watchmen?
Ah, tricky, a recursive riddle… Let’s see. No one.
It’s okay. In 25 years all the terrible things they’re doing today will be public knowledge and everyone will have a good laugh about how corrupt the government used to be.
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25 February 2004 · government
How to beat a paternity test.
Quit being such an asshole and use a condom. Better yet, double bag it. No sense risking any copies of you making it into the world.
But seriously. Right before you have to go to the doctor’s office to give the DNA sample, soak your pecker in Clorox®. Works every time.
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25 February 2004 · how-to
The page found by the original query:
Words that start with B—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
How naturally to clean ovens.
Change the zoning laws to allow bodegas in upper class neighborhoods.
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25 February 2004 · how-to
How do I know I'm not the Anti-Christ?
In part, because you’re too timid and the things you hate are too human.
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25 February 2004 · Bible study
The page found by the original query:
majenta || BETTER LIVING || sedition.com
How do I fuck my mom?
With your eyes closed and nose plugged.
Wow. That even surprised me. And I’m sober, Neil.
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25 February 2004 · how-to · your mother
The page found by the original query:
majenta || my young mom || sedition.com
How many deaths there were on September 11th?
5,000. Terrorists got just around 3,000. Smoking, cars, home accidents, bad diets, overdoses, and violent crime got the rest.
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25 February 2004 · America the beautiful · terrorism
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: As bad as it was
How many cups of coffee are too much?
When the you can’t hold the cup steady enough to drink it without spilling. The cup before it was too much. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’ve never in your life had too much coffee and the rest of us would appreciate you exaggerating a bit less in life.
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25 February 2004 · health & medicine
The page found by the original query:
majenta || too much coffee voodoo || sedition.com
How high should a bat house be?
At least 15 feet for best results.
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25 February 2004 · how-to
How ghosts talk to you.
Liiiiiiiiiiikkkke thIIIIIIIIIIIIIsssssss.
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25 February 2004 · potluck
The page found by the original query:
majenta || Talk slash Suicide || sedition.com
How does bills of birds allow them to live in a diverse environment?
It doesn’t. Evolution is a lie!
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25 February 2004 · Bible study · Darwin & design
How do you say "I don't know" in French?
Je ne sais pas. Another useful phrase is, Je me rends.
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25 February 2004 · international issues
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: I don’t know
How do you masturbate?
Masturbating is evil. Remember, every time you touch yourself, God kills a kitten.
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25 February 2004 · sex counselor
The page found by the original query:
masturbate—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
How do you know if you have a high IQ?
You figure things out before most everyone around you. Like whether or not you have a high IQ. Bzzzzzzzzzzt!
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25 February 2004 · genius
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: Never take an IQ test
How do we know this is the year 2003?
We don’t and the calendar probably is off by about 4 years. Welcome to Biblical scholarship.
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25 February 2004 · Bible study
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: New Year’s 2003
How should we change the American presidency?
Thank you for asking. A Constitutional Amendment to make impeachment the purview of the least represented party in the Congress (probably Independent and soon to be Libertarian, no doubt) and make impeachment hearings mandatory for any crime, misdemeanor or felony. National election of Supreme Court Justices by vote of non-‌partisan judges and a 12 year limit of service might be good while we’re fixing things.
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25 February 2004 · government
The page found by the original query:
majenta || Articles of Presidency || sedition.com
How should I fuck her the first time?
How about, like you were familiar with the expression, “make love.”
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25 February 2004 · sex counselor
The page found by the original query:
majenta || the first time I met Him || sed…
How Prozac is manufactured.
With the blood of tortured baby animals. The pain they suffer raises levels of blood chemicals to combat the misery they’re in which renders the pills able to prevent it in others.
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25 February 2004 · health & medicine
The page found by the original query:
Prozac—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
How old is the Devil?
That’s a rather personal question.
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25 February 2004 · Bible study
The page found by the original query:
old age—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
What to do in Albuquerque.
Die poor—statistically it’s quite likely to be at the hands of your kin.
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25 February 2004 · America the beautiful
The page found by the original query:
majenta || THINGS TO DO IN ALBUQUERQUE WHE…
How to make pecker bigger.
Stop smoking. No lie.
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25 February 2004 · health & medicine
The page found by the original query:
majenta || The Pecker Affair || sedition.com
How to deal with the Devil to change sex.
The only devil you’ll want to deal with in this case is a surgeon from the US or Scandinavia. Though the operation is quite affordable nowadays, your soul probably won’t cover this particular bill.
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25 February 2004 · sex counselor
The page found by the original query:
majenta || Articles of Presidency || sedition.com
How stupid are the Iraqis?
Stupid enough to think that America was their friend when we helped Saddam Hussein take power. Stupid enough to think America might be their friend when we removed Saddam Hussein from power. Stupid enough to be American, I reckon.
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25 February 2004 · America the beautiful · international issues
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: Peaceniks stupid, accidental…
Who the coined term axis?
It’s not a term, it’s a word; from Latin and maybe Sanskrit originally. Buy a dictionary.
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25 February 2004 · speaking in tongues
The page found by the original query:
Axis of Evil—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
Who said Thomas Jefferson still survives?
A very near death John Adams. The reason the quote pops up so much is the irony and coincidence. In the pre-‌telegraph-‌telephone era Adams didn’t know that Jefferson had died a few hours earlier. Adams promptly followed his longtime political foil and friend. The day was July 4th, 1826, the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.
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25 February 2004 · America the beautiful
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: “Independence forever; Thoma…
How to convert an Excel file to text file using Perl. 
use Spreadsheet::ParseExcel;

my $file = shift || die "Give me an Excel file!\n";

-e $file and -r _ or
  die "Must provide valid Excel file! $file, $!\n";

my $excel_obj = Spreadsheet::ParseExcel->new();
my $workbook = $excel_obj->Parse($file);

die "Workbook did not return worksheets!\n"
  unless ref $workbook->{Worksheet} eq 'ARRAY';

for my $worksheet ( @{$workbook->{Worksheet}} ) {
  for my $row ( 0 .. $worksheet->{MaxRow} ) {
    for my $col ( 0 .. $worksheet->{MaxCol} ) {
      my $cell = $worksheet->{Cells}[$row][$col];
      print ref $cell ? $cell->Value : '';
      print "\t" unless $col == $worksheet->{MaxCol};
    }
    print "\n";       # record ends
  }
  print "\n";         # worksheet ends
}
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25 February 2004 · Internet & computing
The page found by the original query:
Converting Excel to delimited text
How do you prevent snakes from entering your backyard fish pond?
no snakes Try a pond heater and a few of these shiny little bad boys:
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25 February 2004 · how-to
Why Pakistan hated?
Why verb missing?
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25 February 2004 · speaking in tongues
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: Bring back the oldies to Pak…
Why American are so apolitical.
I’d rather not get into this right now, my stories are on.
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25 February 2004 · America the beautiful
The page found by the original query:
majenta || my friend Pat || sedition.com
How do people see me?
For quite a few of us it’s through the hidden video camera your ex installed in your bathroom. I have to say it’s not worth the $12.95/month though.
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25 February 2004 · potluck
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: On how others see me
How long will the American soldiers stay without sex
That’s cute! I’ll say, “One duty shift.”
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25 February 2004 · America the beautiful · war & peace
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: Self-help American-style
I worship the Devil.
Then make a donation, you lazy slob.
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25 February 2004 · Bible study
The page found by the original query:
Devil worship—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
How to get majenta color.
One might begin by learning to get magenta spelling. Then <b style="color:magenta">this</b> should suffice.
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25 February 2004 · Internet & computing
The page found by the original query:
majenta || The Pecker Affair || sedition.com
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