Queries & Responses for 27 June 2005

ten words or less describe intercourse
Penis in vagina, out. Repeat.
That’s five. Or I suppose you were looking for some poetry for the price of ten.
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27 June 2005 · sex counselor
The page found by the original query:
Words that start with P—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
what is a bureaucrat
#3 on the list. Down from #2 last year.
  1. Lawyers
  2. Journalists
  3. Bureaucrats
  4. Realtors
  5. Television Programming Executives
  6. DMV managers
  7. George Bushes
  8. War Bloggers
  9. MIT Professors of Linguistics
  10. Xanga Users
Now we just need a wall that can accommodate them in linear formation. I’ll bet China’s renting if the price is right.
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27 June 2005 · speaking in tongues
The page found by the original query:
Words that start with B—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
no query string url like amazon perl cgi
Two things wrong with your query.
One: I can only speak for 1998-‌2003 but Amazon generally doesn’t use Perl for CGI. They use C, Java, and an in-‌house proprietary templating language that looks a lot like Perl. Though Amazon.com depends heavily on back-‌end perl code, the PMs, managers, and hackers there by and large frown on Perl and treat it like a house slave. Good enough to come in as long as it works its ass off and doesn’t look at or talk to visitors. There may be a serious perl hacker or two left at Amazon but all the ones I knew, and there were never many, had left by 2004.
Two: The “no query string technique” is an Apache manipulation. Perl proper can’t manipulate Apache but mod_perl can brilliantly. You can also achieve exactly the same results with the mod_rewrite engine and RewriteRules to map URIs to places like a vanilla CGI in any language. It’s a little unusual and convoluted but search engines like URIs without query strings so it’s a nice technique to make a dynamic site appear flat. It’s also not hard to do. This site uses it with perl CGI.
If you’d only asked, “no query string url like querylog perl cgi,” you’d have got the scoop on how. But no.
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27 June 2005 · Internet & computing
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Code snippets in Perl and JavaScript
javascript string ordinal
Okay… you’re lucky I like figuring stuff out. 
Number.prototype.toOrdinal = function () {
  var i = this.toString();
  if ( i.match(/\D/) ) return i;
  if ( i == 3 || i.match(/[^1]3$/) ) return i + 'rd';
  if ( i == 2 || i.match(/[^1]2$/) ) return i + 'nd';
  if ( i == 1 || i.match(/[^1]1$/) ) return i + 'st';
  return i + 'th';
}
Or for snappier XHTML: 
Number.prototype.toOrdinalHTML = function () {
  var i = this.toString();
  if ( i.match(/\D/) ) return i;
  if ( i == 3 || i.match(/[^1]3$/) ) return i + '<sup>rd</sup>';
  if ( i == 2 || i.match(/[^1]2$/) ) return i + '<sup>nd</sup>';
  if ( i == 1 || i.match(/[^1]1$/) ) return i + '<sup>st</sup>';
  return i + '<sup>th</sup>';
}
Here’s a little test script you can use to see it working. 
<script type="text/javascript">
// include the above class prototype extensions here
for ( var n = 0; n < 250; n++ ) {
  document.write( n.toOrdinal() + ' ' );
}
</script>
I should mention those are abbreviated ordinals, not full ones. “21st” versus “twenty-‌first,” for example. More fun here: Custom and extended object classes for JavaScript.
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27 June 2005 · Internet & computing
The page found by the original query:
Code snippets in Perl and JavaScript
proper business term for cover your ass
The verb document.
Blue moon again so soon? A serious answer. The reason I’m willing to be serious about this is because it really only protects honest people. I don’t give a fuck about the rest of you.
In many, if not most, offices of America and the world, you will be asked at least once and maybe every day to do something illegal—prison in the cards—or maybe just immoral—civil judgement sound fun?
If you’re at a large corporation, start with having a detailed job description. If it’s not in your description to break a partner’s terms of service or tell clients the software bug wasn’t a known issue, then don’t do it. If you are even remotely uncomfortable with doing something, get the instructions to do it in writing. Save it—be careful. Taking company correspondence off the property is often grounds for termination and sometimes even criminal charges.
A wonderfully efficacious trick that management will employ against you is to phone in the orders or walk by and ask. Never let it become “he said/she said.” You will lose if it’s your word against someone who can fire everyone who might otherwise want to back you up. Email is simple, powerful, and so easy that anyone who says they don’t have time to send you an instruction in writing is obviously lying and might be out to save his own ass at the expense of yours.
I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised how many ridiculous instructions evaporate into the ether when you ask for them in writing.
Take care of yourself and don’t be an ass. Do not to use it as a trick to get out of work. It might only succeed in getting you all the way out of work or preventing advancement because you’re such a pain to deal with.
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27 June 2005 · advice & self-help
The page found by the original query:
Words that start with A—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
9-11 Bumble Bee Theory
bee on board Though the so called “9/11 Bumble Bee Theory” has been widely discredited, I have read all the associated reports and data and have come to believe that it’s not without merit. This is quite likely what actually happened.
In the 1980s, apiasts on the Afghan-‌Chinese border were decimated by the Soviet invasion and occupation. It’s a little known fact that their bees relied upon the poppies widely regarded as nothing but opium stock. Almost one third of the Afghan economy crashed when the conflict led to the destruction of most of the poppy fields.
By 2001 the Soviets were long gone but the animosity toward Europe and the West had only grown. The hatred of the US isn’t difficult to understand once you know the facts. The War on Drugs™ and American pharmaceutical companies poured almost a trillion dollars into the Chinese side of the bee industry since 1976. The Chinese use tight little Asian orchids instead of poppies for their bee fields. While never directly going after the ethnic Afghani tradesmen, this unfair competition was a foot on their collective throat for two decades. Fanning the flames, Osama Bin Laden had given special training and funding to Al Ymena, the apiasts’ newly formed political group.
In the Fall of 2001, Al Ymena was successful in getting boxes of bees past security checkpoints on four different domestic US airline flights. The live insects did not show up on the X-‌ray machines of the day. The machines have since, secretly, been adjusted and because of the potential threat from Egypt have a resolution as fine as “mosquito.”
On the fateful day of September 11th, the Al Ymen terrorists simultaneously released clouds of stinging bees into the cockpits of the four jet planes. The well-‌known results were devastating to America and would change the course of international relations for years.
The cover up is itself bizarre and attributed not to foreign powers but to US honey makers and the Pfizer corporation which needs bee feces to manufacture their flagship drug: Prozac. It seems the backlash against bees would cause too much economic damage to America. So they picked a group of little fiscal consequence in the world, OPEC Arabs, and did a frame-‌up. The Al Ymen itself has not been targeted nor will be. All the major figures and planners are free.
While it is true that gasoline and oil prices have risen dramatically in the intervening years, the price of honey, Prozac, and a dozen other mood-‌altering prescription drugs Americans can’t live without has actually decreased, saving several hundred billion dollars. And while I disagree about the motives and the ethics involved, I must say the outcome of this duplicity certainly serves America better than the “truth” would have. I guess I’d have to say it serves us right.
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27 June 2005 · terrorism
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: Mme Thierry Meyssan
pamela anderson drugs
No, no, no. No. …No. I don’t think so. I mean she was pretty clear about getting Hepatitis from a tattoo. Even though there hasn’t been a single case of it from any reputable tattoo studio in the last 25 years I’m sure it was a tattoo. She must be telling the truth. I mean what other kinds of needles carry Hepatitis, right?
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27 June 2005 · health & medicine · celebrity & Hollywood
The page found by the original query:
Words that start with D—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
how to mess with google
The main way is called Google bombing. To do it, you just wrap the link around the text you want associated. It’s behavior conditioning for search engines. The archetypal example is putting the text “miserable failure” in a link to http://whitehouse.gov/president/gwbbio.html. Try it here: google.com/search?q=miserable+failure.
That works because many persons put the HTML into their web pages. Google associates the link with the text and the frequency of its appearance lends it authority. Hence, “miserable failure” gets the biography of George W Bush as its #1 result on Google. Interestingly, on MSN it gets Dick Gephardt instead. I suppose that about sums up the politics of Google v. Microsoft.
I’ve been waiting for an excuse to do some search bombing myself so here we go.
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27 June 2005 · Internet & computing
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Sedition·com: How to write a suicide note
politically correct dictionary, maid
I’ll bite. Domestic service engineer. Lord knows I enjoy being serviced by the maid now and then.
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27 June 2005 · speaking in tongues
The page found by the original query:
Words that start with P—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
can i see a dictionary for sexy words
There is no such thing as a sexy word. Concepts and individual combinations of things are sexy.
“Sweatshirt” in combination with some big old, unwashed tub of goo hacker is a total deboner. “Sweatshirt” in combination with the shy freshman you’ve just realized dresses in baggy clothes to hide the large breasts puberty saved as an unwelcome going away present is quite the opposite.
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27 June 2005 · speaking in tongues
The page found by the original query:
Words that start with L—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
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