Selected Queries & Responses

what to do when i fuck my mom
Breathe through your mouth, close your eyes, and think about Denise Richards—make sure not to imagine her saying anything, of course. You don’t wanna lose that anniversary erection just on account of your mom’s backne.
Me: Okay, stop.
Myself: What, what? What?
Me: That was a bridge too far, man. Seriously.
Myself: I’m just giving the fans what they come here for: hot mom sex. Check the referring queries, dude. I don’t make this crap up. Well, the queries I don’t make up. You know. …What? You’re actually offended?
Me: A little, yeah.
Myself: Do have any idea how schizophrenic that sounds?
Me: No. All I’m thinking about is I don’t even remember where you learned the word “backne.”
Myself: Sealab 2021.
Me: Oh, yeah. You know that reminds me. We should visit that guy’s other website. Sedition·com. That site’s funny.
Myself: Only some of the time, Ashley. Only some of the time.
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14 July 2005 · your mother
The page found by the original query:
Sedition·com: 50 queries from the weblog a…
sexual term for black eye
I have the wife call ’em “little love taps.” Helps her keep in mind what some serious loving is like.
Me: Okay, stop.
Myself: O que? O que há?
Me: You’re not as cute as you seem to think.
Myself: Okay, then. What is it this time?
Me: That was too much, man. What’s Julie gonna say when she reads that tomorrow?
Myself: She’ll tell me how funny it is. …If she knows what’s good for her.
Me: See, what is that? You’re still doing it. You can’t just write that you beat your wife.
Myself: Oh, you’re right. That would be like, what do they call it, evidence. What should I do?
Me: Apologize to her and tell her it was just a shtick.
Myself: A stick? Like a wife-‌correcting stick?
Me: No, shtick!
Myself: I don’t get it. That’s not funny. This response was funny before you got involved.
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28 July 2005 · sex counselor
how to talk to a pisces
With your hand raised. Those chicks only listen if they think you’re gonna hit ’em otherwise.
Me: Whoa!
Myself: No, no, no, no, no—not this time. Let it lie. It’s funny. I didn’t even type “bitches.”
Me: Th–
Myself: Shhhp!
Me: Y–
Myself: Shhhp!
Me: …I hate you.
Myself: Pffff. Tell someone who cares.
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19 August 2005 · how-to
The page found by the original query:
majenta || FLIP SIDES — the new leaf || se…
my shit smells sour
Before confronting a doctor with this question, you should probably taste it to be certain.
Me: God!
Myself: Are you trying to impress a girl or something? Why do you care? It’s not like you’re ever going to get a good job again or have a chance really at any kind of public life at this point. I don’t know where you get off. You’ve got nothing, man. You haven’t had anything for years. Check the record. I’m your only chance of pulling this out of the flames and cashing it in while it’s still possible to turn it into a real payday. What? What? What? What?
Me: …
Myself: That’s right.
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04 September 2005 · health & medicine
The page found by the original query:
majenta || Reactionary Fungi || sedition.com
"French fries" "anal sex"
They just seem to go together. Like movies and popcorn, black and blue, America and apple pie, two condoms and your mom.
Me: You know–
Myself: I’m way ahead of you, man. I’m sick of the mother jokes too. But what am I gonna do? It’s a friggin’ site category. We have a readership that expects a certain amount maternal penetration.
Me: Couldn’t we do the “father rapist” bit for awhile?
Myself: Hmmmm, might have gone better with the “anal sex” thing. French fries, though…?
Me: Yeah, it’s a tough nut to crack.
Myself: Heh-‌heh-‌heh-‌heh-‌heh. You said, “nut to crack.”
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18 September 2005 · potluck
The page found by the original query:
Words that start with S—The Devil’s Dictionary X™
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