Mom, Dad– I have something extremely important I want to talk about. Please let me say it before you say anything. First, there’s nothing wrong and this has nothing to do with you or how you raised me. Mom, I know you always thought I’d marry a nice girl and bring you lots of grandchildren but it’s time I tell you it’s not going to happen. I’ll never have the kind of family you hoped I would. I think I can explain best by telling you my ideal date. It would be someone who asked me out first. We’d go to a light but romantic lunch and split some salmon almondine crepes with California wine. Then see an early Mariners game. Cheer like crazy. Have a latté at Tully’s and walk around downtown, visiting galleries, and talking about all the places we’d like to go. Maybe hold hands and steal a kiss if I’m not feeling too shy. Then when it’s getting a little late and it’s time to say goodnight, I would climb right down and suck the everfucking life out of his cock.
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